Saying Goodbye

 Today I am weeping for the pain my dear friend is going through. Her father just lost his battle with cancer. I don't cry just because I care for her and hate that she is suffering, but I cry because I know I will have to experience this same exact hurt in the not to distant future.

   I met my friend through a Mommy group when we first moved to this area. Later when we moved down to the 'burg I got the opportunity to grow even closer to this friend. We found that not only did we have the same name, but that we shared so many things. Including the fact that our father's were in a fight for their lives.

   We were able to talk with each other about how this affected us. How we were feeling about what little time we had left with them. How hard it was living so far away from them and the not knowing of exactly how long we still had them here for. It was comforting and sad to know that someone else knew exactly how you were feeling. I hope to be able to continue to offer her comfort and support as she goes through this difficult time.

   I've often wondered which would be better, to know that someone was dying so that you could tell them everything you always needed and wanted to, or for them to die suddenly. On the one hand you can mend bridges, say your "sorry's" and your "I love you's". On the other you don't have to watch them wither away and lose their dignity as well as their bowels. You don't have to panic every time the phone rings at a later than usual time fearing that its bad news.

   I miss that man my father once was. I hate that he is not able to do all the things he always wanted to do with a son with my son. I was so proud when I found out I was having a little boy because I knew how excited he would be to finally have that son to do boy things with. I hate that my father is paralyzed and can only lay in a hospital bed in a nursing home day in and day out just waiting to die. Its hard to think back on the early days when he was always doing things. And now to see him just wasting away in that bed.  My grandmother made the comment, "At least he's alive." during a conversation I was having with her. And I am glad that he is alive, but I certainly cannot call what he is doing "living". I wish that he could be healed and whole and function like the old days.

   But my father will not be healed. He will not be whole again. At least not here. So I visit as often as I can. I sit there in strained silence trying to think of things to talk about with him. I make sure to bring my son to visit with him and to try to explain things to him so that he will not be scared of all the machines and the elderly people suffering from dementia screaming out. I call my dad about every other day just to say "hello" and "I love you". But other than that there's nothing I can do. But pray and wait.

 I know that when his time comes my heart will break and a little piece of me will die with him. But my life will not end and I will have to pick myself up and carry on. After all, I got all of my stubbornness and strength from my dad so it would be a great injustice if I just gave up.

Well That Was Nice While It Lasted

   Phew! What a crazy couple of weeks it has been here in the Henderson household. I am still trying to get back on track with the mundane, routine, existence that we find so comfortable here. So, as you may know, my step daughter was finally able to come a visit with us for Spring Break. It was so lovely having her here. Such a nice change to have some more estrogen floating in the atmosphere instead of all this testosterone. By the way, I totally think that from being around all this testosterone all the time it has leeched into my body and that's why my hormone levels are so off creating the issue of PCOS. Just a thought. Anyways, back to the step daughter. We did girly things like getting pedicures, singing loudly to Taylor Swift in the car, riding horses, curling her hair. It was so nice getting to do those things. Now I do have to admit that it wasn't always easy while she was here. She comes from a household that doesn't require discipline, or teaching children responsibility, or about God. So for her to come to our home where there are routines and discipline it was a little difficult at times. We took the time to show her how to fold her own clothes and hang them on hangers after Aiden and I washed and dried them for her. We took the time to model Christ's love to her by being patient and understanding to her setbacks. All in all she is still a sweet innocent child and that shows even through the stints of selfishness, animosity, and manipulation that she has learned from her mother and grandmother. We enjoyed her presence here very much and were so saddened by the turn of events we just knew were going to happen with her mother.

  A week or so before Emmalee was to come here for her visit with us, her mother contacted me and said that she was sorry for the way she had treated me for the past five years and that she wanted to mend that relationship and speak only kindly and respectfully to me from now on. I accepted her apology and actually breathed a sigh of relief at the thought of a non-stressful partnership to co-parent this beautiful little girl. I did however keep my guard up knowing full well that Michelle, could lapse back into her usual psychotic self at any moment. I spoke respectfully to her at all times and made sure to always keep the conversation only about Emmalee and how we could help her. It was so nice being able to talk with her about her daughter and not feel threatened or degraded. Michelle, was very kind the whole time Emmalee was here and maintained that she wanted Emmalee and I to grow our friendship bond. Well of course that didn't last long.

      Nathan didn't even get back home from dropping Emmalee off at the airport before Michelle was calling to cuss him out. Screaming at him for essentially nothing. Turns out the big deal that she made wasn't even a big deal to Emmalee. See before she left I hugged her and told her to have a fantastic birthday and that I was so happy to have gotten to spend that time with her. I also told her that her father and I and her mother still needed to discuss her coming down for the summer and that it wasn't set in stone yet. I told her that I wanted her and I to still continue to keep in touch and get to know each other better if she really wanted to spend the summer here, since it would pretty much just be me, her, and Aiden for most of the time. She said okay and hugged me back and said bye. So of course Michelle had an issue with me saying that to Emmalee. Not sure why. So then she commences to write me emails telling me that I am the reason that Nathan never sees his daughter and that I come in between them. That Emmalee is devastated over their divorce (which happened when she was 3, Nathan deployed when she was 1 and then Michelle cheated while he was deployed so when he got home she had already left him for that other guy, Em was 2 then.) and that she sees me as the cause of it. Mind you I came into the picture when Emmalee was 4 almost 5 and Michelle was already remarried to the first loser drug user, wife abuser guy. So yeah...its all my fault. Whatever. To make it all just so much better, she once again sent me an "official" email telling me that if I ever contacted her again by any means she would call the cops on me for harassment. That's fine, but what happens if something happens to Nathan and I can't notify Emmalee. I'm sure she would like to know if her dad is ever hospitalized or if heaven forbid, he dies. And then the icing on the cake, Michelle removes me from Emmalee's friends list on her facebook page. She completely came between her daughter and I having a relationship. I'm done. It creates so much stress on our household and on me to deal with this crap. I refuse to deal with it any longer. And it makes it worse when Nathan won't even step up and say anything. Ugh....so frustrating.

     So now here we are trying to get back into the swing of normal life and I have decided to go into business for myself. I am now an Educational Consultant for Discovery Toys! I think my kit just arrived with all my toys and training materials. I am eager to get in there and play with all of it. So until we meet again my friends!    Oh and if you'd like to check out my website its: www.discoverytoys.com/tashastoybox